If SAHM Was An Office Job

Business Partner Needed URGENTLY!

THE ROLEThis exciting role requires a motivated, thick-skinned individual with expertise in leadership and multitasking. The individual best suited to this role will have a varied background in order to complete various required tasks that are often time sensitive.

Hours: 7am-10pm (give or take 1 hour either side) 7 days/week

Wage: None

Benefits:

• Sick days: 0-1 per year
• Annual leave: none
• occasional praise and cuddles/kisses will be occasionally given to offset emotional turmoil/stress

Experience and Attributes Required:

• leadership
• time management
• multitasking
• hospitality
• janitorial
• life coaching
• quick thinking
• perfectionism
• flexible schedule and/or no personal life

Responsibilities Include (but are not limited to):

• office cleaning and maintenance
• completion of a week's worth of tasks each day
• willingness to take verbal and physical abuse from subordinates (hitting, hair pulling, screaming, etc) 
• completion of tasks belonging to other business partners in an urgent manner
• listening to both constructive and non-constructive criticism from other business partners on a daily basis
• completion of tasks upon direction (regardless of current activity level or engagement)
• adhere to evaluation performance that will be carried out:

- 5 days/week - near end of shift

- 2 days/week - hourly (minimum)

• Supplied with company cell phone to be kept on AT ALL TIMES:

- frequent calls in the middle of the night to complete difficult, nonsensical tasks given by subordinates in an immediate fashion (directions often given in a non-english language)

• language and listening skills essential to decipher codes whilst listening to loud and/or high pitched noises

Tasks Belonging to Other Business Partners that Must be Completed by Hired Individual Include (but are not limited to):

• finding staplers that are not clearly visible on a desk but have a high probability of being in a drawer or on adjacent desk
• preparing (and acquiring ingredients) for meals for other employees and partners (often on an 'on demand' basis)
• running the tea, coffee, and snack trolley whilst still doing your own work

Other:

• under no circumstances will delegation of responsibilities be allowed
• workplace disputes will be resolved without input from injured party (suggestions may be considered in exceptional circumstances) and all rulings are final. Failure to adhere to final rulings will likely result in disciplinary action or termination without notice.

For further information and interviews contact: My husband and children

		I CAN EITHER Clean myself up OR THE HOUSE... But NOT BOTH!!!

The above is, of course, in jest and I do love my job no matter how challenging it may be at times! So sorry but you can't have it!

- Jenneal Russell (The Everything Job Blog)

Weekly Totals of Chaos

Where have I been, you ask? At home, on the computer, studying and working. You know that thing that happens when you're too busy getting stuff done to look up? That's time..... ticking away (not to mention what those silly kids have been up to for the last 30 minutes!) I have searched the entire house and haven't found any plans for mutiny yet, so maybe I'm still good. What do you think? Throw in the added chaos of half term and you have a potion to make time disappear instantly.

Let's count the facts:

• Time outs- 4 (a major unexpected win!)
• Items removed from the cupboards without prior approval - 3 (did I tell you that the little one has worked out how to remove my pipe cleaner lock? No? Well, it didn't take him long at all to work that one out)
• Showers for the kids- 1.5 (oops! I need to get on that tomorrow!)
• Showers for myself - 1 (I know it's just sad but don't judge me)
• Nighttime hours spent studying - 12 (I was up until 6:30 am Tues night/Wed morning)
• Daytime hours spent studying - 5
• Hours spent doing crafts/colouring - 4 (ugh :/ bad mommy )
• Hours spent cleaning/doing housework - too many to count! But does it look like it? Not really!

Total: Not too shabby but definitely room for improvement

The kids were adorable today. Lynnea got Brannon all dressed after I helped her solve the crisis of "Brannon freaking out and not letting her put his shirt on". He doesn't really like the shirt going over his head  but he puts up with it when I do it too quickly for him to realise what's happening. I can only imagine little 5-year-old hands don't have the speed or surprise effect that mine do. We opted for a button up shirt instead. Brannon is a broccoli monster. Seriously. He eats it like it's candy. And guess what we had with dinner? Yep! He spent the entirety of the meal stealing the broccoli off of sister's plate and giggling like crazy. Lynnea likes broccoli too but she let him get away with it and at one point, they were sitting next to each other eating their 'tiny trees'. I love days like this where no one really gets upset with each other and there isn't dissension in the ranks. That wasn't the case yesterday.... or was it the day before? Whatever day it was, Lynnea had a complete meltdown because I wouldn't get her more cereal even though she had over half of an uneaten bowl of the stuff sitting directly in front of her. That timeout took 20 minutes before she gave up and sat down for the 5 required minutes. Maybe that's why she was so good today. Goodness I hope so! Nothing tests your patience like being hit, kicked, and screamed at by a deceptively strong little girl. Or having to rock both of them to sleep at the same time for an hour before we all finally passed out from sheer exhaustion. It's comforting to think that somewhere in the world, another parent is doing the exact same thing. Otherwise I'd probably go completely crazy! You know, instead of just the partially crazy I already am. 

I'd love to hear your stories! To have your adenture featured on my blog, email your story to me at jennealrussell@gmail.com  and try not to pull out too much hair today ;)

We Don't Lick Our Pets

Did you know that most people don't go around licking their pets? Maybe I am in the minority and unaware of what the cool kids are doing these days so I'm just going to have put this in the book of 'things I never thought I'd have to say' until I do some research or public opinion polls on the subject. We all realize at some point that we find ourselves saying things to our kids that we never thought we'd have to. This morning was one such occasion when Brannon was holding the kitten and rocking him like a baby, as you do, and I caught him licking the kitten! I can only imagine his sweet 2 year old thought process went something like this: 'Whiskers is my baby and he gives himself a bath so I should help him!'. I really can't blame the sweet boy, his thinking seems quite sound and a mouthful of fur is a small price to pay for being a good 'parent'. I am not sure why I am constantly surprised by these instances. It's just that they keep getting weirder and weirder! The other day I had to remind Brannon that we don't bite the cat even if Whiskers is playing a bit roughly. It's a good thing little Whiskers (who isn't quite so little anymore) has the patience of a saint. I am sure not all cats wouldn't put up with being dressed up in baby doll hats, being put in the play kitchen for a delicious roasted kitty lunch, made to sit like a person and watch the childrens' favorite shows, taking a quick zoom on the ride-on car against his will, and let's not forget the lavish tea parties he gets invited and then quickly uninvited to for not behaving as a proper gentleman should. That's love for ya!

Whiskers

The time has finally arrived! We got an adorable 8 week old kitten on Saturday and he is already very much part of the family with his playful cheeky personality. We all had different names that we wanted for him. I chose Jeter and Toby was quite set on Namath. Brannon was more practical and thought Kitty would be a winner but Lynnea in all her adorableness won the naming rights with the moniker of Whiskers. When we brought him home I thought that Brannon might just faint with excitement. It melts my heart how much the kids love their new pet. We've already had some adventures in the short while since he arrived. One such adventure was just this morning. Brannon was in the conservatory with the kitten and I had just left to go into the living room to see how Lynnea was doing when Brannon came in riding the car. You hardly ever see Brannon without a car of some kind and the ride-on is one of his favorite toys in the entire house so it was nothing unusual. When he got off of it and let Lynnea sit on it I got slightly suspicious since this NEVER happens. Why is Brannon sharing the car so nicely? Mere seconds later I heard soft meowing from an unidentifiable location. Upon being asked if the kitten was inside the car, Lynnea protested vehemently and I knew. I quickly picked her up and rescued the poor dear from the under seat compartment. There was plenty of room for tiny Whiskers so I can see why Brannon thought the kitten would like to ride all over the house in luxurious style. I would have done the same myself if I were a toddler. Nothing would have pleased me more than to have my favorite toy and best friend all at once! I have the feeling this is only the first in a long line of adventures that Whiskers will be having in the future. Luckily Whiskers was unscathed and has seemingly forgotten all about the incident. We definitely lucked out with him.

Trapped

We have been experiencing torrential rain at the moment. Nearly every day for over a week, needless to say, the kids and I are basically trapped in the house. We've been making the most of it though. We did finally make those crowns. We also made books, a 'Disney Junior den', had a Lynnea-mummy-brannon- pajama-movie-cuddle day, and stomped in muddy puddles like Peppa Pig when the rain had slowed down a bit. So it hasn't been awful but I think all of us are going a little stir crazy. I really have to give the kids a ton of credit. They're high spirited little ones and they've been much better to each other than I thought they would be. Yes there has been fighting, arguing, hitting, and snatching but not even as much as on an actual school day. I think the morning crafts have really helped them stay happier throughout the day.

Today the weather was nice enough to actually leave the house! I made plans with my sisiter-in-law to meet her and my little niece at the park so the kids could all run around and play. I hadn't really thought this through though. When I go to the big park, it's usually when my husband is home. That way we can each watch one kid. During the week I take the kids to the smaller park nearest our house so it's easy to watch them both by myself and the play area is completely fenced in so they can't go running off when I'm chasing after the other one. This is not the case at the big park. You enter through a gate and the sides are completely fenced in until you get to the other end where it seems they must have run out of fencing materials after deciding to build some picnic tables and put up a giant swinging log. Personally, I think a fence is probably the more practical choice but I am sure the log seemed like a fantastic plan at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20 and all that, you know? Anyway, neither of us were completely tuned into this breach in security when Brannon saw another little boy start to run toward the open gate leading to the parking lot. Being a gloomy, overcast, chilly, windy Monday morning not many other people had the idea to join the park adventure, thank goodness, so it wasn't impossible to see your child if they run more than 5 feet away from you. After catching my tiny son mid-escape I turned around to notice that my daughter was no longer where I left her a second ago. Every parent has had this happen and it is absolutely the worst feeling you could ever experience. You feel like you're going to die from panic. You call the child's name as calmly as you can at first and if they don't respond you get increasingly louder and more panic striken.  Luckily for me, I only had to call once for Lynnea and she had only escaped the fenced area to the big log (ah ha now you see why I went into all of that seemingly useless description of the park's layout). She was wearing the kind of ear-to-ear grin you'd expect to see on the face of an escaped convict when they find out they've not only gotten away with it but they've just stumbled upon a huge pile of cash to boot! This doesn't happen to me often at all but it really got me down. I literally felt like the world's worst parent. Maybe you're reading this agreeing with me or maybe you're breathing a sigh of relief to see you aren't the only one who has temporarily lost track of their child. Either way, when it happens to you just remember you are not alone in this and most likely your child is gleefully smiling at you having a heart attack.

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy

I am a lover of jazz and 'Summertime' is one of my all time favorite songs and . Here's the link if you want to see what i'm talking about Summertime Norah Jones. It's the Norah Jones version because I adore her and, being a pianist myself, have so much respect for her artistry. When I think of or hear this song I disappear into my imagination floating down a slow moving river, cocktail in hand, enjoying some peace and quiet. These are the kind of summers that some people have. My kind of summer is......let's just say.....a bit different now. I am head over heels in love with my kids but as every parent knows, there are times when you kind of start to pull out your hair. Friday was the last day of school for my 4 year old daughter. She loves school and going to see her friends, teachers, and learn new things is the highlight of her week. On her days off she does get into little bits of mischief, of course, but on the whole she is a very well behaved and helpful little girl. There was a shift when I told her that she was done with school for the summer and then she'll start reception inSeptember. having no concept of time yet, I foolishly thought that it would just feel like a long week off to her. A long week off TO HER. But it's me that already feels like the fun will never end. I am a great mom. I'm not being cocky, conceited, or arrogant. It's just the truth. I stay calm and speak to my kids in a respectful tone, I put on puppet shows with them and make huge messes with props in the conservatory, only one dessert type treat per day at the most, and healthy delicious homemade meals are part of our every day routine. I had planned out which crafts we'd do over the weeks and for some reason in my mind everyone was behaving well together at the table nicely using the glitter glue on their princess crown.

I know what you're thinking, "excuse me, have you ever met a 2 and 4 year old before?" Why yes I have, thank you for asking. I also am very aware that my children in particular are high spirited.....to put it mildly. Then why did I have these visions of perfection?Because sadly, I am still a perfectionist at heart trying to remember she lives in a not-so-perfect world. With that being said, I invite you into my house.

The little one wakes me up, look at the time, 6:45 am (great!). I take him downstairs and I give him breakfast which he actually eats! I make my coffee and sit down. Everything is going so smoothly that I refuse to even acknowledge that anything is different today. Even the never ending rain cannot get my spirit down! The little one and I are up for about an hour when the big one walks in smiling!!!! Can anything be more perfect???! It really is like the little one can read my mind because instead of being super excited to see his big sister ( as usual) he gets angry that she might possibly maybe in the future somehow interfere with what he's doing. So *sigh* he tries to push her back to the stairs and now I have my very own MMA match live from my living room. Hair is being pulled (mine included), blankets are being snatched from their owners, and the sound is enough to put fighting cats to shame. This set the tone for the rest of the morning. She builds a tower, he sends it crashing down. He gets on the car, she pulls the car in the opposite direction that he wants to go. I didn't wear black and white stripes today but I am definitely a referee. I am not exactly sure what my neighbors think but I'm pretty confident that one of them thinks I just let them carry on whilst I try to ignore the noise because nothing I try to do makes much of a difference. 

It's 1:15pm and no housework has yet been done. Dishes are still in the sink and I have a load of laurndry to fold. OH! But I did vacuum because they did get into the fridge and spilled carrots all over the floor. Pssst! Remind me to replace the fridge lock! I'm giving the housework one more shot before I say "to hell with it" and make myself a freaking princess crown. 

The Crack Before Dawn

My soon to be 2 year old son has been sleeping through the night (finally!) since a few months ago when we moved him into a toddler bed. At first it was great! He was sleeping until 7am!!! I thought I finally hit the jackpot and had 2 children who were good sleepers. But as we all know, life, and my tiny son had other ideas. Slowly he started waking up earlier. I brushed it off as a one off "He just went to bed late. He has the sniffles...." and so on and so forth. Then it got to the point where a 7 up front was a thing of the past. We were into the 6 o'clock bracket but just barely. It was kind of nice. Those sleepy snuggles on the couch with him while I knitted and watched 'Scandal' were lovely and I looked forward to our one-on-one time. I think he could sense my acceptance and contentment with our new routine and in an eternal experiment to push the limits, he changed his schedule yet again. Now I don't know if it's just me but if I go to bed at 9pm my natural wake up time is not 5am...... But Brannon's is! I made lemonade yet again and used the time to try to get my housework done. Maybe he does have my best interest at heart and wants me to be able to watch 'Penny Dreadful' during his nap (see my post 'Dishes or Penny Dreadful? That is the Question' for the answer).  This past week we hit an all new milestone! He walked into the bedroom and gently tapped my arm whilst quietly calling my name. I opened my eyes to see the red-orange glow of a barely awakened sun. Immediately I felt as if I had been hit by a freight train. I just kind of stayed glued to the spot for a moment, too terrified to see the hour but my resistance couldn't last too long in the event we woke up daddy bear. It was 4:50. Yep that was actually a 4 up front and he was up FOR THE DAY. 

I don't really remember anything from the day after the 5th cup of coffee. It was all a blur and I was transformed into a human-sloth hybrid. By the time my turn to sleep rolled around I felt like it had been an eternity since I last felt the soft embrace of my pillow and the cool crispness of the fitted sheet below me. Then in the blink of an eye, he was tapping my arm once more and I had never been so grateful for the 6 o'clock bracket.

The Point of No Return

Yesterday I was not feeling well AT ALL. I'll spare you the details but I ended up catching the same stomach bug that Lynnea had on Sunday. As I was scrolling through channels almost entirely convinced this would be the last episode of anything I watch before my imminent demise, I realized that there was absolutely nothing good to to view a Tuesday afternoon. And why would there be? Everyone knows that all people everywhere have the exact same 9-5 work schedule. Night-shifts are a myth and stay at home moms are far too busy to ever watch tv. And like my father always said, "If you're too sick to go to school (or work), you're too sick to watch tv".  So why even bother.......*crickets and awkward silence as the television companies turn away slowly pretending they never read this*...... Anyway, I did have the season 2 finale of Penny Dreadful but I was in no condition to give it the attention and enthusiasm it deserves so that was out. I couldn't bring myself to re∞- watch yet another episode of 'Friends' so I found myself pushing the buttons for channel 611 (a.k.a. Disney Junior). This wasn't like those other instances where I find myself quoting along to 'Sofia the First' when Brannon is having a nap or drinking my morning coffee entranced by 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse'. No. This was a conscious decision. I actually said to myself,"I would rather watch anything on Disney Junior (excluding 'Henry Hugglemonster' which I hate with every fiber of my being) than watch any of this other crap. So there I was, barely conscious, watching 'Doc McStuffins'. This is one illness from which I doubt I'll ever recover.

Dishes or Penny Dreadful? That is the question.

I am sitting on the sofa facing one of those life changing decisions. My daughter is at school and my tiny son is finally asleep upstairs. This is one of those rare moments when I could have something called 'me time'. What is that you ask? Well really, I have no idea but I am keen to try it! I cue up the latest episode of Penny Dreadful (one of my guilty pleasures) when suddenly my life flashes before my eyes. All I can see is a mountain of dishes piled up in the kitchen from last night's dinner and today's breakfast, laundry that needs folding, and....wait....what am I sitting on?? A giant Lego *sigh* How long have I been blissfully unaware of its presence? That was the tipping point. New plan. Do the dishes and tidy. The laundry can be done later. And so, with what feels like an elephant sitting on my legs, I slowly and sadly rise from what could have been a very exciting adventure in 19th-century England fighting demons, witches, and revealing the newest snag in this captivating tale. After what seems like an eternity, I arrive at the sink and am immediately overwhelmed by the enormity of the task in front of me. "How can a family of 4 possibly use so many dishes?" I wonder. But there is no time to ponder this matter if I am to make my quickly approaching deadline. I don't know how much time passed before I realized that the pile in front of me had hardly grown any smaller. Once again, I agonized over the choices. Dishes or Penny Dreadful?..........Dishes or Penny Dreadful?......... Dishes or Penny Dreadful?........ Just as I had decided to give in to the notion of sitting down, I heard a noise from above then the clunking of tiny 2 year old feet descending the staircase. Perhaps another day. But will I make the same decision next time or will I be able to ignore my chaotic surroundings?

Good Clean Fun

I was deleting old emails while the children were out playing in the garden nicely together (for once) when I found a message my other sent me ages ago that I had yet to read. 1/4 of the way through reading said email, the children came inside and B (the little brother) followed L (the big sister) into the bathroom, as you do when you’re a little brother. She shut the door which he usually hates but this time he seemed fine with it. Red flag #1 but I thought as long as they leave the bathroom alive and semi-intact I’ll leave them to it. Another sentence read and the screaming starts:

L: No Brannon stay there! Stop moving!!
B: ajfdkjhalejhoieaflkdn;ksajf; lakuioejfkjdfjkfd;iri (I took this to mean “leave me the F*** alone sister!”)

It’s ok they’ll have to sort it out themselves because this email is just getting good.

*silence* red flag #2. I’m sure they’re fine. I don’t see any flooding…..yet…….

2 more sentences read

B: adkfldhkahskdjfkdfklsjlkdfjklsjdfk fjdksla;sdkfjdlksjfalsjdkflj jdfklsaksdjf;lkasjdl;fkjskljfkljd *bang bang bang on the door*

They’ll be out in a minute I’m sure………..read to the end………*silence* red flag #3……………door flies open and out comes Brannon using his angry tell-on-sister-voice shouting about something I can’t understand

Me writing back looking at the computer: What is it Brannon? You ok?
B: NO! HAIR! SISTA! HAIRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

*look up from computer at Brannon who is now at my feet stomping his very loudly* oooooh I see Brannon *as he is batting at his wet hair with both hands trying to get the water off*

And the best part? I am sure you're wondering just how this could possibly get any better...... he now has wet crumbs glued to his hair and scalp. Bath time anyone?